We can't have nice things

As many of you know, I try to stay pretty active, especially this past summer. I currently play dek-hockey, softball, and flag football to round out the week.

What can I say, if it's competitive, sign me up!

However, I usually run into one slight problem. Most of these co-ed or corporate leagues are not as competitive as I'd like. I'm not trying to prove anything here, it's simply a fact. Whether it be a debate, a sprint to the end of the parking lot, or a game of football, I WANT TO WIN. But you already know this.

That's why I think I'd make a great rapper or at least lyricist. I'm sure I could write 52 bars that just rip someone to shreds.

Unfortunately, that's not going to happen anytime in the near future. Yet, I still apply the same attack when smack talking.

Here's an example. Last night we were in the midst of a close football game. It was the 2nd half, and my team was clinging on to a 7 point lead. Their QB ends up sprinting up the sideline trying to gain a first down. I KNOW I forced him out prior to the marker. The Referee unfortunately marks it as a first down, and I calmly jaw back you can see his footprints out of bounds prior to the first down.

Suddenly, I hear a voice screaming back my way. "THOSE WERE ALREADY THERE, QUIT COMPLAINING JUST B/C YOU DIDN'T CATCH HIM". Just when I start to turn around it continues, "I WAS STANDING RIGHT HERE AND SAW IT, YOU NEED TO CHECK YOUR EYES".

When I finally turn around to see who is yapping all this trash, it's a female player on the opposing team.

Here's where the conflict began. You see, I was brought up to be a gentleman, and with it, respecting the opposite sex.

BUT, in my mind, once you step on a field of play, all that goes out the window. I had to fight back the urge to say, "HEY, WHY DONCHA SHUT UR MOUTH AND GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH IN THE KITCHEN WHERE YOU BELONG".

Luckily, the thought ran through my mind quicker than it got to my lips, and once it did, I just kept laughing at how outrageous the situation could have become.

Yeah, maybe it would have been fun to escalate things, but seeing as there were 3 females on my team, who we needed, it was better to pass this battle up.

Next time I'll just stop and think WWED or What would Eminem do.

I am whatever you say I am

"Can anybody hear me?
I guess I keep talkin to myself
It feels like I'm going insane
Am I the one who's crazy?"

- Eminem "Talkin 2 myself"


While I was relaxing outside on Saturday listening to my MP3 player, this recently added song came through my rotation. It was so good I had to listen to it twice, because the lyrics just hit so close to home. Eminem's whole recent CD (Recovery) has that affect.

I'm sure most of you have heard both "Love the way you lie" and "Not Afraid". Respectively, both are great songs but the lesser known ones stand out more.

Shortly after this song came through, "Way I am" was next. The lyrics are gritty and angry, but also very real. These two songs are what got me thinking...

Why?

Why do I have such a sarcastic sense of humor? Sure, sometimes it can be hilarious, ala the way Seinfeld or Lewis Black is, but other times not so much.

Why do I say things to friends none the less, that can be construed as rude or profane.

Why does it appear I'm always angry. I can't tell you the amount of times I've heard from people saying they passed me in the street or at the gym and I just looked p'd off.

The answer? I guess that's just the way that I am.

I'm 100% sure if you're reading this you're either a family member or friend. I'm sure we've interacted at several points in life.

I'm here to say I'm sorry. I don't want to come off as someone who is rude, non-caring, or a sarcastic asshole. That's not my goal in life. My goal is to entertain and have a great time. To be honest I think that's why "acquaintances" may be apprehensive about ever hanging out.

My bad man.

It's just a bit of a self-realization I've gone through. I just wanna say thanks to all of you out there who are friends and that I value those friendships.

So don't be afraid, because I can't be that bad of a guy, or else why would you be reading this?

Danger on the highway

You've seen it all the time on VH-1, E!, or A&E, shows detailing terrible inventions, ideas and creations. However, for the 21st Century, I'm here to present to you an invention so bad, the government should be banning these.

The GPS, otherwise known as the Global Positioning System.

Now before you start thinking, "here he goes again ranting and raving", hear me out. You may not realize it, but this device is causing the increase in road rage, crashes, and motor-vehicle fatalities.

The government would have you believe it's the talking on a handset for your cell-phone. I think we've mastered the use of the two motor-skills, talking and driving at the same time. It's no different than walking and talking on a phone. You're using one sensory skill (sight) to drive and another (hearing/speech) to talk on the phone. Sure, they're both utilizing the brain, but it's what we simpletons would like to call "multi-tasking".

The true error is the crowd that tries to text or utilize these Death Maps (Garmin I'm looking your way).

It becomes even more dangerous when people both listen to the voice and look at the screen on the GPS. Drivers will look at the screen, look aimlessly outside for signs and then look back at the screen. Did you notice where they aren't paying attention? ON THE ROAD. It's impossible to split your sight into two, unless of course you're a chameleon. Trying to utilize the same brain function for two items = burning car crash.

Today I drew the line on the way to work. I can only estimate how many times I've seen people swerve suddenly into the right lane because they realize they're missing their exit. I'd estimate this number to be near 100 in the past month. No joke.

The issue isn't the device itself, but people relying so heavily on this voice to tell them when to turn and not realizing 100 yards come pretty damn quickly when you're traveling 50 mph. If they simply switched it to voice only, most problems would be solved.

Much like cell-phones have allowed people to google information from anywhere in the world, the GPS has accomplished the same for directions. Just because something has the ability, doesn't mean you should use it's full ability.

The GPS is supposed to be an aid not a guide. People used to be able to plan their trips ahead of time, look at maps and write down directions. At this point you had a general idea where to go and only occasionally had to read off this paper. Nowadays, people think, "I'll just use my GPS and take a back way!". In small-town Kansas this may work. But when you drive in a city in which traffic is rated third worst in the nation, you need to know where you're going beforehand!! I've seen cars apparently out for a leisurely drive during rush hour.

You can easily identify who is using their GPS as a crutch, because they're the idiots doing about 35-40 on I-495, in the left lane. Why? Well because the pleasant British Lady inside their turn-by-turn direction guide is telling her the exit is coming up soon. Or they're the people who are riding two lanes when the split is the road is about to come up.

The Government regulated seat belts for safety because of crashes. Then they regulated texting and talking on the phone. Hell, they've regulated food in school cafeterias because we can't tell Timmy no to his 3rd serving of Mexican Pizza.

Well what ever happened to Geography? The general population must learn how to read and interpret maps. Doesn't it make you wonder when people can't even identify which coast the Atlantic Ocean is on. Or how about, if I was traveling from PA to California, which direction would I be heading? The people who rely on GPS are the same buffoons who cannot correctly answer these questions. Yet I'm led to believe they are mature enough to operate a 4,000 pound piece of equipment??

PLEASE MAKE U-TURN AT FIRST OPPORTUNITY. DO NOT PASS GO.

I won't even mention how the most common reason for car break-ins is to steal these same devices. Because really, if those with an IQ below 50 and a car already own one, why can't the poor, destitute common thief have one as well??

Have I made my point yet or are you thinking,

LOST SATELLITE RECEPTION, PLEASE RE-CONNECT.

The day I became (in)-famous

I was flipping through the channels the other day, while trying to avoid watching a San Diego vs Kansas City Monday Night football game. Low and behold I come across the USA Channel with WWE(f) Raw on it. Who is standing in the middle of the ring with his championship title, none other than the Mike Mizanin aka the Miz with Chad Ochocinco. You see, the Miz started out as a contestant on Real World/Road Rules challenges. Most of these people ultimately just become bar attractions for the next few years and die off into the realm of infamy. The Miz wasn't going to let MTV or Pitt that night, be his final send-off.

Apparently a lot can happen in 5 years, such as becoming the United States Heavyweight Champion in an international wrestling promotion.

Let's go back to 2004, at the University of Pittsburgh. I was still a young, naive kid at the age of 22. Somehow I was "elected" IFC President that year, and due to this title, I decided to compete in the Greek God/Goddess event. It was held at Club Laga, a dark, dingy concert venue, where most up and coming bands played. The judges for that year were Chevy Troutman, the Miz, and Tori Morris.

My turn came and I approached the stage. What happened in the next three minutes culminated with me cutting a promo on the Miz, saying how he was basically a nobody, who lived off his MTV fame, was dating a girl Paris Hilton was embarrassed by, and that he'd never make it to the WWF. The Miz was furious!! My next thoughts were, "oh shit I may have to fight this guy". Soon thereafter, followed by, "wait, there are at least 10 of my drunk brothers in the crowd, he'd be stupid for trying it".

The skit ended with a brother of mine, Chris Kenny, slamming a steel chair into my head and the audience cheering either b/c they weren't sure what they had just experienced or more than half I'm sure were hammered by then. Somehow that got me second place, to this day I wonder how in the hell that happened.

I'll tell you what did happen. It provided motivation for a man to become a superstar, and pursue his dreams. Unfortunately, that man was not me.

After the whole scenario was over I proceeded share a few drinks and shots with the Miz at Peter's Pub (local bar). All the while, he commented on how entertaining that was, how he would make it big, and how he was going home with at least two women. That last part was pretty much guaranteed with Tri-Sigs and DZ sisters throwing themselves at him. The first two I laughed off as lies, little did I know I'd be eating crow years later.

I gotta give the guy credit. Somehow he parlayed being a MTV "reality show" contestant into a shot with the WWE. From there worked his ass off for 5 years and became an entertaining and respectable wrestler. Go ahead and roll your eyes about being "respectable" in a fake sport, but it's honestly no different that acting. I'm just saying that a guy with no background in the sport, knows how to entertain and soon enough will be the face of the WWE. I'll just be waiting for that shout out Miz, because you and I both know you'd be nothing without the MIHLF!

And that's the bottom line.....because the Mihlfman said so!

The best you can hope for

So after an impressive outing by both the Steelers and Falcons defense on Sunday, the Black & Gold squeaked out a victory in overtime. Rashard Mendenhall's 50-yd run capped the game and more importantly gave the Steelers one victory without the Overrated One (Big Ben).

Momentum is a very crucial aspect of sports and particular football. The Steelers built up a bunch of it last night, taking down one of the early favorites to win the NFC (the Falcons). It gave Dennis Dixon his first win in the NFL and some confidence, as his final line was (18-26, 236 Yards, 1 INT). Not too bad for a rookie and especially for someone whose only expectation was to manage the game. The Steelers next 3 games are against the Titans, Buccaneers, and Ravens. Two out of the three (Titans and Ravens), will be very difficult games. Going into the first four games (length of Ben's suspension), no one was expecting them to win more than 2. The real question is what if?

If the Steelers lose the next three, that's a a tough uphill battle they have the rest of the season. After the suspension they still have to battle against the likes of the Patriots, Ravens (again), Dolphins, Raiders (don't laugh b/c they have a tough D), Saints, Jets, and the Bengals twice. Ben would probably be blamed if they miss the playoffs after such a start, since it truly is his fault for putting the team in that position. Every Steelers fan (Ben included) is hoping and would be satisfied by a 2-2 start. It would still give the team a great chance at the playoffs especially if their other win comes against Baltimore. This would guarantee all the teams in the division of having at least 1 loss after the first four weeks. At that point, everything is up for grabs.

Here's where it gets interesting. Say the Steel Curtain lives up to it's name. Say Dennis Dixon lights it up in one of the next 3 games, passes for 2+ TD's or over 300 yards. What if they start out 4-0? You may laugh but it's easily possible. The defense is that good and who knows if Dixon is the second coming of Kordell Stewart, who many forget led the team to the AFC Championship game one year.

What then?

99% of you will argue Ben is the franchise QB and should start no matter what the record says. The 1% of us who have a clue will say, not so fast. The Steelers would have a ton of momentum after a 4-0 start with a young QB, especially after beating 3 playoff caliber teams. Dixon would be battle tested and ready for anything the rest of the season may throw him. I'd say keep riding the young QB until he shows signs of falling apart. It's happened before, even in the Steelers history. Tommy Maddox anyone? The guy was supposed to be just a "filler" QB. Kordell Stewart after being in the AFC Championship game the year before was replaced three games into the next season by Maddox and never saw the job again.

Sure Ben has two rings with the Steelers, but the team clearly sees something in Dixon. Otherwise, why would they have drafted him and also started him ahead of Charlie Batch? Batch should have easily been the replacement QB for these first four games. He's safe, reliable, and no one would have expected him to start after Ben returned. Now with Dixon, who is a young, athletic QB, they may be starting a bit of controversy. It's almost the perfect storm if he does start 4-0. The local fans are getting fed up with Ben's off-the-field performance and the only thing that matters to these fans are wins. If Dixon collects 4 of them in his first four games, expect plenty of love from the Black & Gold faithful and one important question.

Ben who??

Brett Favre is your boyfriend??

After a recent conversation with Aaron regarding him being labeled "Mark Sanchez" at work (based on his resemblance), I wondered aloud to him about if you could nickname your friends/wingmen based on the current NFL QBs. I present to you the official guide. Feel free to name names in the comments section!!

Matt Leinart - You keep giving him every chance in the world, but he constantly lets you down. Failing to really add any value to your friendship. At this point he's only a friend via Facebook and you're even contemplating deleting him.

Matt Cassel - You had one epic adventure with them, when one of your other friends let you down. You continually hold this person in high regard due to that one great time.

Mark Sanchez - You put a lot of faith in this person, despite not knowing them too long. Great wingman based on his looks, but not sure if his personality can get the job done.

Matthew Stafford/Sam Bradford - New to your group of friends. Completely unproven, but you're looking forward to hanging out for the first time.

Jason Campbell - People seem to forget he's around, poor guy never has any good luck. You feel bad for him, but don't really go out of your way to hang out either.

Tim Tebow - Friend who's either really religious or very political. You don't want to get into conversations with this guy about either. Sometimes wonder if he thinks he's "holier than thou".

Jay Cutler - He's your A**hole friend. Sometimes you question why you have him around. Very over the top personality, but hey sometimes chicks dig that, and everytime it happens, you're amazed by this.

Kyle Orton - Solid friend. Always there for you in a bind. Isn't the most athletic, charming, or funny, but gets the job done when called upon. Never have a bad time or an amazing time hanging out together.

Vince Young - Token friend who gets a little too rowdy at times.

Carson Palmer - Great friend who's been with you for awhile. Although after his last break-up, he hasn't been the same. You keep introducing him to more people, hoping he gets his swagger back.

Brett Favre - Another old friend who's been through just about everything. The elder of the group. However, recently he's been very unreliable in terms of committing to hang out. When he does and he's not hungover, he tends to steal the show.

Big Ben - Friend who has been making poor decisions recently (hooking up with bombs, getting into drugs, investing in Ponzi scheme, etc). However, somehow he still holds his job at a prestigious Law Firm. You're beginning to wonder if he has a split-personality.

Eli Manning - He's that friend who somehow pulled in the perfect g/f. He has average looks and intelligence, but also has very few character flaws.

Phillip Rivers - He's much like Cutler in that he's an a**-hole, but the guy is hilarious and constantly hooks up with attractive females. Zero to negative 100% of him ever getting married.

Aaron Rodgers - Always had to live in his older brother's shadow. Finally, once the brother moved away, he's had time to shine in your group. You wonder why you guys' haven't hung out more.

Donovan McNabb - He's new to your group and a bit older. Real humble friend, whose friendship is underrated and under appreciated. However, there is that story you've heard about him puking on this model he was hooking up with. Seems to choke in the big moments with women.

Tony Romo - You laugh because every attractive female falls for his lines and southern charm. However, you'd never trust him around your sister.

Tom Brady - The "pretty boy" of your group. Pretty much has everything; the job, the hot g/f, the nice car. For whatever reason you don't hate him for it, because he's earned it all.

Peyton Manning - The jokester of the group. Some people find him awkward, while others think he's hilarious. Ridiculously intelligent and handy. Poor guy wasn't blessed in the looks department, but makes up for it every which way.

Drew Brees - Most underrated of the group. He's the friend who worked himself into ridiculous shape. He's also the one who is the most adventurous and willing to take risks. Not as smart as Peyton, but can go get hammered one minute and hold an intelligent conversation the next.

Pittsburgh on the mind

So first Big Ben goes down via his "throwin picks and abusin chicks" route, then Byron Leftwich has a sprain of his ACL. Next thing you know, everyone in Pittsburgh is panicking over their QB situation. My question to you is why??

Listen, we all knew Ben would only be out 4 games. We (the Steelers) had to escape those first four weeks with a 2-2 record. With the defense we used to have, this was easily manageable. From the day Ben shoved that girl into the bathroom, I wondered aloud, why don't we draft a young QB for the future, and have Charlie Batch fill in while Ben's out?

Charlie is and has been one of the best back-up QBs in the league. Sure, is isn't exactly the picture of durability, but when he does play, he wins. This guy was a starting QB for more than half of his career, back when Detroit was at least an average team. He's been with the Steelers since their first Super Bowl win of the decade. He knows the offense in and out. Yet, the coaching staff this summer treated him terribly. They kept him around, but yet never mentioned him being in the running for the starting job. He's the elephant in the room, they're hoping if they ignore long enough will just go away. Poor Charlie, he's always been there like a good neighbor, and now he gets to see Steelers management grovel at his feet.

With Leftwich out, there's no way you can start Dennis Dixon for a few weeks and hope for the best. The guy is a poor man's Pat White (former WVU QB), who himself was a poor man's Kordell Stewart. You know where a guy like that gets you? 0-4 or maybe 1-4. Too young, too inexperienced. I say ride Batch unless his legs fall off. If he gets hurt, he went down in a Blaze of Glory (cue Bon Jovi). Batch can manage games and even win them. Look no further than the two preseason games he's played in. Came into the game with no warm-up and calmly led them on scoring drives both times. I don't like how we got to this situation, but it's the ending we need.

Next on my Pittsburgh list is the Penguins. So they just signed former Edmonton Oiler, Mike Comrie, to a $500K/yr deal. This is definitely a bargain as Comrie as recent as two years ago was a 20-goal scorer. In addition, he also has managed to score Hilary Duff aka Lizzie McGuire. Nice going Pens! $500K for both a 20-goal scorer and Duff? I'll take that deal any day of the week. Now I can move back to Pittsburgh, impress Duff with whatever skills I have left and make it to Hollywood. At worst I'll settle for the more talented sister, Haylie.

Game. Set. Match. Time to put this plan in action.


Now if we could only somehow trade for Mike Fisher, we'd get Carrie Underwood too.