New Sporting Rules

Here here, the Sports Czar is holding court and hereby passing these laws.

1) The NBA needs to push those photographers back about 20 feet. Why in the world do they need to be so close to the action? I'm pretty sure we've developed camera lenses that will zoom in. I'm sure the players love it when they're in a full out sprint and end up crashing into a sea of midgets and cameras. Ahhh feels great on the back! I don't blame Dennis Rodman for kicking these guys.

2) While we're on the subject. Just because you're a fan doesn't mean you can get away with anything. Case #1, the Artest Melee in Auburn Hills. If you throw your drink at any athlete, they should have free range to inflict whatever bodily harm they see fit. When else in society is it acceptable to do this? If someone did that to you at a party or on the street, wouldn't you re-act the same?

3) I understand golf is one of the few sports that had remained "traditional" and up until a few decades ago, only snobby old white men played it. However, Golf has become revolutionized since Tiger Woods started playing, and now other aspects need to be changed. Cheering/jeering. Why is it Golf is the only sport where they need absolute silence? Are the golfers that thin-skinned they can't handle hecklers? Every other sport has crowd noise, music, yo-momma remarks. Just accept it Golf and watch the sport captivate more young people. Just look at horse racing for an example. They allowed drinking in the middle of the tracks, and throngs of 20-somethings show up to their major races.

4) If your team has 10+ consecutive years of a below .500 record. They WILL be moved. No if/and/buts about it. There are plenty of other owners and cities looking for teams. Congratulations to the Las Vegas Pirates!!!

5) If a baseball batter steps out of the box more than 3 times in one at-bat, the pitcher gets to ding him with a fastball, free of charge. Hopefully this will stop the whole Nomar and A-Rod trend of constantly adjusting.

6) WNBA is now the professional mud-wrestling league. Of course we'd have to replace all the players now. Sexist you say? Does anyone even attend these games or watch them on TV? Might as well make a bit more interesting at least. Look at the bright side, I'm sure Budweiser will jump all over this as a sponsor.

7) New idea for UFC. Tag-Team fighting or escape from the cage matches.

8) NFL-NCAA Football. No more kickers. We're going old-school here. No more extra point attempts, only two point conversions. If you want to kick a field goal, one of your other players must attempt it. Someone who can actually stand to be tackled. For kickoffs, you throw it, just like in those famous Thanksgiving Bowl games.

9) Steroids are now allowed in any sport. I want to see what the human anatomy is full capable of. 650 foot home runs, tackles that take off some one's arm, 180 MPH slapshots, 135 mph fastball. Let's show the rest of the world what we're made of! GHB and HGH!!

10) Please take away the uniforms from baseball managers. I'm tired of seeing 60-70 year old men walking around in tights. Christ, if I wanted to see that I'd go back to watching WWF.

UPDATE:

1b) All professional athletes are on incentive based contracts. The contracts will have a stated minimum pay, say $1-5 million. Then, based upon your performance, compared to others in your position, you get paid on your ranking. This will eliminate all arguments of being underpaid or overpaid. The top 5-10 players at each position will be handsomely rewarded with $15-20 million/year. I'm tired of seeing guys holding out in training camp b/c of one good year. Let's see how motivated all players remain, it can only increase competition in the league. Of course this makes too much sense and will never happen due to Players Union (another unnecessary evil of sports).